The Five Love Languages (by Gary Chapman)

(Amazon UK link)

I last read Gary Chapman’s excellent book ‘The Five Love Languages’ about fifteen years ago. I’m quite familiar with the concepts of love languages having read several of his books, and perused his website at length. But I thought it could be interesting to re-read his original book on the topic, and see if there was anything I had forgotten.

The principles are well-known: that people have different ways of understanding what love means. Not so much the idea of ‘falling in love’, but of long-term expressions of love in a committed relationship. Examples are given of problems arising in marriages due to misunderstandings about what love means. One person, for instance, might work hard to cook, clean, and do things for their spouse, while the spouse wants to spend more time together, perhaps sitting and talking, or going for walks. If neither feels loved, their emotional ‘tanks’ will become empty and stresses will be much more difficult to handle. 

Re-reading the book was very interesting, and reminded me of several aspects of the theory which I had forgotten. The author gives plenty of anecdotes from his counselling years, with names changed of course, and explains how he gradually developed the concept of ‘love languages’. He uses that phrase because he says that, in some marriages, it’s as if one partner is expressing love in Chinese and the other in English, neither making any effort to learn the other language. 

The five love languages listed are: Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts and Words of Affirmation. Each one, the author explains, has different ‘dialects’, so two people might have the same primary love language, but use it in such different ways that they’re not meeting their partner’s needs. 

I had forgotten that, in general, children learn their first love language from a parent. It’s obvious when considering the language metaphor, and also clear that a child who feels equally loved by two parents with different ‘love languages’ may become ‘bilingual’, with two equally important ways in which they feel loved. Understanding this may help some people confirm what their main love language is, if they’re uncertain. Others, who didn’t feel loved, may have a harder time. 

However that’s not always the case, and I did remember the advice to shower children with ALL the love languages, as far as possible. And that applies to a spouse, too, although if - for instance - neither spouse is particularly bothered by gift-giving, gifts could be limited to special occasions when tradition, rather than love language calls for exchanging gifts. 

The book is very well-written, with clear examples and suggestions. Not everyone will relate to all the advice, of course, but if the author’s experience is typical, reading this book and applying some of the principles could save a lot of potential breakups, and enrich many relationships that are becoming stale. 

At the end are questionnaires, one for men and one for women, although they’re not all that different. They ask for what makes (or would make) a person feel particularly cared for. In some cases I think it’s quite hard to choose, so when I’ve gone through the questionnaire I’ve tended to check all that apply rather than choosing just one out of each pair. That’s not possible if taking the questionnaire online. 

There’s an underlying Christian focus to the book, and the assumption that the book will be read by people in a traditional marriage; but the principles could apply to any loving relationship, including non-romantic relationships such as adult children with parents or even siblings. 

Highly recommended.

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