I'd like you more if you were more like me (by John Ortberg)

I very much appreciate John Ortberg’s books, and have gradually acquired them over the years, fairly soon after each one was issued in paperback form. His most recent book, ‘I’d like you more if you were more like me’ was on my wishlist last year, and I was given it for Christmas.

John Ortberg is a pastor who lives and works in the US, but regularly makes the point that he is Swedish. He uses this fact as a humorous aside fairly often, to explain some of his traits and foibles. He is honest in his writing, peppering his teaching with anecdotes, many of them against himself in ways that make points clearly.

The main themes of the book are of community and connection - with each other, and with God. The subtitle is ‘Getting real about getting close’. I don’t think there was anything dramatically new in the book, but there were lots of things to ponder, many insights that struck me as relevant.

Ortberg talks about love - lasting love, and how we know we are loved, by our spouses, children, parents and friends. He writes about meaningful connections: how important it is to respond positively to those we care about, rather than with irritation or negativity. Not that any one incident in itself will do any harm, but we can all too easily spiral into increasing rejection and refusal to connect without realising we have done so.

Each chapter looks at a different aspect of togetherness and intimacy; Ortberg makes it clear that when he uses the word ‘intimacy’, he is referring to something emotional and spiritual that draws us together. Intimacy grows out of the ways we learn to trust and rely on each other, sharing our lives and worlds.

He also explodes a few myths: that intimacy and love are the same thing, for instance, or that intimacy means we lose control, or that everyone responds in the same way. He gives examples of differing love languages, of ways in which he and his wife understand love and intimacy differently. He explains how vulnerability is important, and how even the best of us can deceive ourselves if we’re not willing to be open and potentially hurt. He talks about the difference between groaning and grumbling, something that had not previously occurred to me, and the difference between belonging and fitting in.

I read a chapter every day for a fortnight, finding much to think about in each one. I don’t know if the book will make much difference to me, but it’s certainly made me more aware of the importance of positive communication and moving ‘towards’ people rather than away.

While this book could be of interest to anyone, there’s a strong Christian element, with plenty of examples of how Jesus illustrated true intimacy in his interactions with those around him, both his followers and people he met for the first time.

Highly recommended.

Review by Sue F copyright 2019 Sue's Book Reviews