Authentic relationships (by Wayne and Clay Jacobsen)

(Amazon UK link)

It’s a long time since I read most of the books by the Christian writer Wayne Jacobsen, all of which I found thought-provoking and inspiring. I last read ‘Authentic relationships’ in 2009, so it was more than time for a reread.

This book actually has two authors; Clay Jacobsen is Wayne Jacobsen’s brother, and the introduction explains that they wrote the book together. But instead of alternating chapters or anecdotes, they write as if one person, combining their expertise and experience. And it works extremely well.

The subtitle of this book is: ‘discover the lost art of “one anothering”’. And that’s exactly what it sets out to do. The authors have take a selection of phrases from the New Testament which include the phrase ‘one another’. They suggest that a large percentage of the church has become so caught up in rituals and private devotions that we have missed Jesus’ mission to reach out to each other, and those around us, in love.

There are anecdotes throughout to illustrate their points. They begin with an introduction, demonstrating how lonely people can be, and how we tend to see each other as being self-sufficient. Too many of us try to portray that we are comfortable, in charge of our lives, and that we don’t need any help. Perhaps our Christian brothers and sisters rally round when there’s a sudden crisis. But there are ongoing needs: unemployment, caring for elderly relatives, single parenthood, and so much more. 

The first chapter looks at the summary verse, ‘love one another’, which is supposed to be the primary mark of Christians, and a way that others will know who we are. The authors make the point that we love because God loved us, so we need to know his presence and grace before we can demonstrate it to others. But they also remind us that we should offer practical care, listening to the prompting of the Holy Spirit as we meet and interact with those around us. 

The book is in four main sections. The first is the most basic, outlining what it means to love, to accept and forgive, and to honour each other. The suggestions are straightforward, perhaps obvious; there’s nothing I haven’t come across elsewhere. But it’s always good to be reminded of these things, and I found a lot of the stories and suggestions both encouraging and motivating. 

The second section is more about reaching out into the community. There are chapters on being hospitable, sharing with each other, serving and building each other up. Again, the anecdotes and examples are quite inspiring. The writing is good, and feels seamless too - there’s no way of knowing where one Jacobsen brother stops and another starts. I’m not good at initiating new friendships, and some of these chapters were quite challenging.

The third section, then, is about sharing the journey with others, and the fourth, shortest section is about deeper relationships. This includes the importance of confessing to each other (when appropriate and helpful), acknowledging our failings and faults rather than trying to look better than we are. It also includes a useful section about submitting to each other. This is not in the sense of doing whatever someone else wants, but more along the lines of submitting a paper to an editor, or proof-reader. 

The authors give examples of people who submit their ideas and visions to a group of church leaders, or to their fellowship group, for discussion and comment. But in the end, as the authors remind us, we must listen to God ourselves and follow his leading, even if it goes against the advice of those around us. Submitting involves listening, and perhaps being prepared to debate a point, or make some changes. But it doesn’t mean giving someone else the authority to tell us what to do.

The authors recommend using this book in a study group, and as such have discussion questions at the end of each chapter. I can see that it might be useful, either as part of a regular fellowship group, or for a few people to meet specifically to cover the topics in the book. However I mostly ignored the questions as I was doing this on my own. I read one chapter a day over a couple of weeks, and would recommend it highly to anyone interested in the concept of Christian community, in the broadest sense. 

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